Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Music Mon-Errrr-Tuesday and a Confession

Well, look at me flaking on you and not doing a Music Monday post yesterday. I had every intention of doing so, but life kind of got in the way.

Remember this post? I haven't stopped thinking about it. My resolutions are in the forefront of my mind and I'm honestly giving 100%. I know I said this month I was going to focus on just eating healthier, which I'm doing, but I also decided it was time to get started on another resolution as well: Loving myself more.

Here's where the confession starts. I try to put my best foot forward and keep this blog about happy/fun/interesting things. The problem with that is it's not entirely who I am. Not by a long shot. The fact of the matter is, I have a lot of issues. Despite the fact that I know my life is great (I get to go to school full time, I have the best husband ever, my parents love me, etc.) I am constantly being pulled into a black pit of despair. The root of this is my self-worth. A few years ago, it was really bad, but over time it got better. That is, until recently. I've hit an all-time low when it comes to loving myself and feeling good at anything.

It can start with something as simple as seeing two girls on the train laughing and one of them glances my way. No matter how irrational it is, I automatically think they are criticizing my appearance. It becomes something I can't shake. I start to feel scared and alone and hideous. Then out of nowhere it escalates to me feeling like I'm a horrible wife, lackluster student, mediocre writer, and that God doesn't love me. I automatically think that I am nothing and deserve nothing. I go from zero to ninety with no breaks until I crash in a fit of tears in bed.

This is my desktop background. "It's Okay" has become my mantra to help calm myself down.***

Wow. Still with me? I know this post is getting pretty deep, but I'm almost done, I swear. The point is, I'm kind of a giant mess. No matter how much Karl loves me, or holds me, or assures me that I'm perfect, I don't believe it and I suffer for it.

Well, after taking a good look at myself, I'm realizing I can't fix myself on my own. I have started going to therapy once every two weeks with a lady that I went to a few years ago (F.Y.I. If you're in Utah and in the market for a killer counselor, let me know and I'll hook you up). I've been to two sessions and am already feeling like things are moving. Will it be the hardest thing I've ever done? Yeah. Will it be worth it? Definitely.

Anyway, I went to therapy yesterday and after a session, I always feel completely raw and vulnerable. I took time to recover before going to personal training, which is why I didn't do my regular post.

That was a pretty roundabout segue into my Music Monday post, huh? This weeks song makes my heart hurt in a good way. It's "Falling Slowly" by The Frames and it can be found in the sidebar under "Song of the Week."

Thanks for being patient with me. I know these kinds of posts tend to be a bummer, but I feel like it needed to be said. Have any of you ever had similar struggles? What did you do to cope?

 I hope you have a great Tuesday evening!

 *** I found the yellow wallpaper for free and added my own text to it. If you know who originally designed it, please let me know!


Lindsay said...

love ya lady

Julie said...

Delicate...I just adore you. I admire your self exploration and honesty. You are awesome. Really.

Andrea Wyss said...

I really enjoy posts like this one. I love seeing the "real" side of people, and even helps me to realize I am not the only imperfect person. Other people have struggles too. There have been times I have considered going to therapy for a couple issues, and even have come really close to booking a session. But then I shy away from it because then I have to accept that my life isn't always great, and there is a stigma attached to therapy. You are a great example of taking care of yourself, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically!

Nicole said...

I agree with Andrea; I really love seeing posts like this where people are real. But it's such a struggle to do because everyone else seems to have the shiny, sparkly, happy lives.

Have you ever read Brene Brown's work? She is a wonderful author and speaker and her work addresses those experiences like you have on the train (and like I have all the time). Her TEDtalks are amazing, my favorite being her one from TEDxHouston.

And good for you for taking care of yourself.


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